To go or not to go?
Shall I plunge into the abyss, never to resurface, and seek an end?
Or shall I stay, and in staying, create more memories as well as more songs to fill the world?
To end it all, and leave, not telling anyone where I have gone?
Or to abide, and continue on with this life?
To depart, create a new life elsewhere, with no one to hold me down?
Or to linger, and keep on living in this place?

(Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere, it's just one of those things that popped into my head.)

Dystopia

I read a book recently, called “Station Eleven”. Originally, I thought it was about the future of humans in a space station, but it turned out to be the future of humans … on earth. The book follows several people through several years. Mostly through the end of the world as we know it. Most of humanity dies from a pandemic of the swine flu. Like 1918 Flu but a hundred thousand times worse. 

One of the characters estimates that about 99% of the earth’s population died.

Honestly, I was very tempted to put the book down was I realized it was a dystopian book. I find these kinds of books to be incredibly depressing and quite frankly, scary. I am blessed (sometimes I feel cursed) with a very good imagination. So when I read about these things, I have very vivid images in my mind. The sight of people lying in the streets, gasping for breath, alternating between shivering and sweating. Finally, so much death, so much stillness. The streets practically empty, those who are left are just trying to survive in a world that is entirely changed.

Then, I put myself in the book. Would I be one of the ones who had died? Would all my family be gone? Or would I be one of the survivors? Would my family survive or just me? Could I continue to go on in that kind of environment? I don’t know which idea is scarier. That I’d be alive or be dead.

I am not a fan of dystopian books or movies. I find it all too easy to feel myself in their positions, to feel their fear and terror. I find it all too easy to drop myself into that world and then…I find it very difficult to resurface. I look around me at everything we take for granted and think about how very quickly it could be gone, vanished in some disaster or other. The ones where it is a natural disaster that we cannot hope to ever stop (or even foresee) are the most terrifying to me. Because….what if it does happen? 

Parenting is HARD

I have 3 kids. One would think, that with three kids, I would have this parenting gig down and be secure in my decisions. But every day brings new challenges and new choices, and I wonder if I am completely screwing up my children for life. Are my kids going to bed to late? Is my lack of enforcement on bedtime ruining their sleeping patterns forever? How about school? What if I send them to the one that isn't the best fit for them, but we can't afford one that is? What if I home school some of my children, but not others? Almost every night before bed, I have these and similar questions swirling around my head.
However, is my parenting really the be all, end all? How about the child's nature, that plays a role too. Is one parenting style that works for one kid, working for another, or are they feeling too stifled or too left out? Am I being too strict or too lax? Does time-out really work? If not, what alternatives do I have? Potty training is a whole other post.
This parenting thing is hard...

My 2nd VBAC Experience

     I went in for my 41 week appointment on Wednesday, 3 days before Pesach, expecting to be in and out as usual. I was in no way prepared to be told that my blood pressure was too high and I was being admitted to the hospital until I had my baby. I had no bag, no phone charger and only 20% left on my phone. Not only that, but the doctor who was supposed to deliver me wasn't on call and wouldn't be until Friday. I couldn't wait that long to have the baby, and the doctor who was on shift was not VBAC friendly. The midwife told me to hang tight and they would find a doctor who was VBAC friendly.
      In the meantime, I called my husband, told him there was a change of plan and we would be having this baby, if not today, then tomorrow for sure. He had to pick up the children from school/camp and bring me a hospital bag and a charger. Then, I called my mom, who was my birth coach and told her what was up. She was still at work and since nothing was actively happening, she said she'd be over in a couple of hours and to keep her in the loop. I also texted my doula to let her know what was going on, but told her not to come just yet.
      After that was taken care of, I sat and watched TV in the delivery room and realized I was feeling contractions like I had been the past few days. But these were slightly more intense. After sitting there for a couple of hours, the nurse came in to check me and I had progressed in those hours from a 1 to a 3! I was thrilled, I was avoiding being induced!
      I called my mom and husband with the info. About an hour later, my husband came over with the kids and my bag and charger and they hung out in the room until my mom arrived about a 1/2 hr later. Then, after a whole bunch of shuffling about I was left alone for a little bit longer. Then my mother came back with my birthing ball and my doula showed up soon after. My contractions had gotten a little more intense and I was breathing through them, shifting into different positions.
      At around 9 or 10 pm it was determined I was at a 4. I was elated. With my last birth, I had not progressed past a 1 before I got an epidural, I had made it to a 4 now! I decided to get the epidural placed so I could get some sleep during the night so I would be well rested for giving birth (my births do not go quickly). They had finally found a VBAC doctor, who came in, introduced himself to me quickly, checked me and explained the possible risks of a VBAC, all of which I was well aware of.
      So, we settled in for the night. After an episode of the sink almost overfilling in my room and having to be switched to another delivery room. There was a fold out chair, I of course was on the bed, and another chair was brought in for the doula. We woke up at around 6 or 7 am the next morning and my mother went out to get coffee for herself and the doula. I was checked again and found be at a 7.
      For most of the morning, the nurses left us alone and let me labor in peace. Since I was numb from the waist down, trying different positions was out, so I stuck to trying to breathe through the contractions instead. At around 11:30 I was checked again and was at a 9. The last hour and a half before my baby was finally pushed out was the most brutal. All the contractions were so close together it was just one long, incredibly painful contraction.
      Finally at around 1 pm they folded the bed and starting coaching me to push. After pushing for around 10 minutes, out came my beautiful baby girl. After holding her a moment, she had to be rushed away to be checked and and have any meconium she swallowed suctioned out.
     After that, they whisked her away to the nursery, where they kept her until my blood pressure went down. Which it finally did about 5 hours later. In the meantime, right after I had her, I called my husband ( who was in charge of our other children and waiting for our son to get off the bus) that the baby had been born. After he got the kids, he came over to see how I was doing and meet our baby for the first time. My mom had to run, after all she still had to cook and prepare for Pesach, since we would be there and it was in less than 2 days!
So, that is the story of my 2nd VBAC. It was hectic and crazy in ways I can't even convey, but B"H at the end of it all, we brought home our 3rd child, our beautiful baby girl.

How life changes...

So this year so far has been...complicated. Some good, some bad. My Grandmother passed away in March, the day after Purim. It was a very hard time for me, because I was very close to my Grandma. From about age 8, I would go to her home for sleepovers and loved spending time with her. In more recent years, I loved taking my children to see her. Her face would light up and she was so proud to introduce her "granddaughter, grandson and THESE are my great-grandchildren." My daughter, who I gave birth to the day before erev Pesach is named for her. I sometimes tear up, remembering that she will never get a chance to meet her. My mother's dog, Mariner, who was like part of the family was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks before my grandmother passed and he passed away the day after Pesach. My newborn, the daughter mentioned above, was in the hospital (with me) for 2 1/2 days during Pesach for a UTI. As I said, a complicated year...and it's only half over!

Blog

Are blogs dying out? Supposedly not, if you're "good at it." Those who can make a schedule and keep to it. Those who review products or offer opinions others really want to hear. Those who, in other words, can make some sort of money blogging.
What about regular blogs? Blogs like this one which are a mish mosh of random thoughts being poured into a computer and placed out there for the world to see. Or not see as the case may be. A lot of the blogs I used to read when I first started my own are either no longer updated or no longer in existence, having since folded up and gone home. I too, took a hiatus and no longer blogged.
Life gets in the way, or you lose focus, or feel like there is no longer an audience, so what's the point? Why continue? Why even start up again when no one is likely to look or care that you have returned? Maybe because, even if it is like shouting into the abyss, there is still the small, faint hope that someone out there will still hear, and find interest in what I have to say.

Personalities

So I have 2 kids. I always find it interesting to watch their different personalities emerge. You'd think, given that they both have the same mother and father, they would have somewhat similar personalities but nothing could be further from the truth.
 My children have very different personalities. My son is very much in his own head. He is willing to engage others in whatever is going on in there, but he can also play by himself for hours. My daughter loves to be around others and involved in whatever interesting thing seems to be going on around her. My son is willing to put up with hugs, but is generally very passive about them. Rarely does he initiate. My daughter just loves hugs and any kind of touch. Constantly needing to have some kind of contact throughout the day.
And as they grow and interact with others more I see more facets of their personalities come to light. One thing is for certain, it is never boring when there are kids around!

Restlessness

Watching the TV...there's nothing on. Flipping through my books, what once I used to read and re-read seems old and dull. Wandering through the house restlessly, looking for something but not knowing what it is. Opening and staring at the fridge, am I hungry? No. Closing the door and looking around some more. Why do I have all this pent up energy? What is driving me, not allowing me rest? What I used to find enjoyment in no longer amuses me. Someone save me from this madness!

Bubbles

They are the bane of my existence. Every time one of my kids see the bottles, they act excited. Can we go outside and blow bubbles? PLEASE? And every time I say yes, the same thing happens, without fail. We go out, I blow bubbles (and/or one of the kids does) and before 10 minutes is up, the bubble bottle gets spilled (or dumped) all over the floor. End of scene. And I tell myself that we are NEVER doing this again. Even so, every few months, I think THIS time it will be different. Maybe THIS time.

Acceptance

Either accept us for who we are, or accept us not at all. However, be warned, if you choose to not accept us that it is your folly and will lead to your downfall. For today, we rise up and fight against what has been pressed upon us for too long. Enough! We say, we will make our own destinies and forge our own path, no longer oppressed and beaten down. No longer to be told that we are worthless, that our only worth lies in what we can do for others. Our worth lies in WHO WE ARE. 

Playing at the park

About once a week or so, I try to take the kids to the park. However, at this point, they outnumber me so it can be an exercise in frustration. YE runs off one way, CB runs off the other, and now I have decide who to chase first. Recently it's gotten a little easier as they've gotten bigger and are able to climb around without my constant supervision, which means I can actually sit on a bench for a moment and catch my breath. That is, until CB notices I'm not right behind her and searches for me. Then she demands, "Mommy, come!" As if she is incapable of going down the slide unless I am watching her. Every time we go, the kids try something new. Sometimes it doesn't work, but sometimes it does. It's always exciting to see them master a new skill. So even if the park can be a little irritating, it is worth it.

Freedom Vs. Safety

   Freedom. Sounds wonderful doesn't it? A word that holds such promise, that beckons to you and envelops you with assurance that it can do no wrong. The question is, how much freedom? And at what cost, to an individual or society as a whole? Now, I'm sure you're saying, "What's wrong with you, freedom is great! You wouldn't be able to write this blog without freedom!" I totally agree with you, freedom is a marvelous thing. The question then is not the reduction of freedom, but the expansion.

    I have this "argument" with my husband every so often. His position is that freedom should be extended to everything. Borders? Who needs 'em? Laws? Who needs 'em? He is, in fact, all for the idea of anarchy (or possibly tyranny with him as the tyrant, but that is not the point of this post). My position, is that people value their safety above their freedom. The safety of themselves, and their families, to have a safer community, is worth sacrificing a little freedom.If given a choice between having more laws that will protect them, or less laws that mean more freedom, but less safety, people will prefer safety first.

    Another example, but one that has nothing to do with bodily harm, is the freedom of ideas. We have a law about intellectual property, the laws of patents. My husband's opinion is that ideas should be free for everyone, that there should be no restrictions in place to prevent the sharing of ideas. My side however (and most people who he shared this idea with) is that patents is a good thing, because then there would be no motivation for people to come up with ideas if they can't profit off them, it's for their own safety and security.

     A perfect illustration for both sides of this debate is Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison. Both were geniuses ahead of their time. However, Edison went ahead and patented the ideas (some of which were actually Tesla's) and became wealthy, while Tesla never patented any, and died in poverty.
So, my question: Which do you value more? And at what cost?

It's been so long I don't even know where to begin....
Well, how about the fact that I have a computer? Josh got me a new one for channukah, and after over a year or more without one, I gottta say, it's nice having a keyboard again! What happened to my old computer you ask? Um...let's just say my klutz skills managed to make themselves apparent once again whilst I was attempting to clear our table. I managed to spill an almost full cup of water all over the keyboard of the laptop. So that was the end of that. We debated whether I actually needed a new computer, and came to the conclusion that since I had a smartphone (and a tablet) another computer wasn't exactly needed. I could always use our desktop in the backroom or my husband's laptop. So that worked...and then we moved YE to the backroom and my husband needs to take his computer to work. So a new computer for me. Hooray!

I'm also looking for a job, preferably working from home as a writer, editor, whatever...so hopefully I'll be posting more and trying to bulk up on my writing and get this writer's block out of the way. That's all for now, gotta go pick up YE from school.

Life with a Toddler and Preschooler

 It's gotten so much more lively around here now that CB can walk. She loves to follow YE everywhere, and they are constantly hugging and playing. And of course the inevitable fights over "MINE!". Because what sibling relationship is complete without it?

  Personality-wise they are...I wouldn't say nothing alike, because they are both sweet and sensitive, but while YE is more of an introvert, CB is an all out extrovert. I've had so many people comment on it. It's kind of hard to miss when she has a tendency to leap from my arms into a complete strangers. Or wander over just to give a hug. YE, while friendly and always willing to give a big "Hi!", is not in the same league.

  And now I have a whole lot less time for blogging. In fact, I can hear CB (AKA Munchkin) saying "Mommmy, Mommmy!" right now.

My VBAC Experience

I had a baby girl on January 18th, 2013. It was the most incredible experience I've ever had, since I felt cheated of my son's birth, of being "forced" into having a C-section with him. I was in labor for over 48 hours, and most of that time was not even in the hospital. On Wednesday, the 16th, I went for acupuncture, as I was already 41 1/2 weeks. That jump-started the labor. The contractions didn't start to get closer together however until Thursday evening. At that point, I dropped YE off with a neighbor, since Josh was still at work. I sat at home on my birthing ball and breathed through each contraction. I called my doula and she came at around 6. Josh got home at 7:30 and helped me down to the car, where my mother was going to drive me to the hospital. The contractions were 3-4 minutes apart by then. Josh was to watch YE and my mother and doula would help me labor. We got to the hospital (longest 20 minute car ride of my life) and went to the Labor & Delivery. We were told to wait until a bed in triage was open so they could check me. In the meantime, I bounced on the birthing ball and did my calming exercises from Hypnobabies. After a few minutes of this, my mother suggested we go walking to help me progress (another longest 20 minutes of my life). When we got back, a bed had opened up in the triage unit. As the nurse was checking me, my water broke. Thank goodness for that, because otherwise they were going to suggest sending me home since I wasn't as far along as they would have liked. After another half-hour, I was finally given a room. I labored through the night, using the bathtub with jets, different positions, and it just kept getting harder and harder. At one point, I was just whimpering "I can't do this, I can't do this" I asked for an epidural at around 3 I think and finally got one at around 6 am. After that I passed out and slept blissfully for 5 hours. When I woke up I had progressed to 5 cm. After a few more hours of easy laboring I realized the epidural was wearing off on one side. The pain was the worst I have ever known. I begged for something to alleviate the pain, and my wish was granted. At around this time, it was already about 3pm on Friday afternoon. We had no idea whether the baby would come in the next few minutes or after Shabbos had already begun. My mother stepped out of the room to call Josh and ask him to bring food and clothes (for her) for Shabbos. While my mother was out of the room, the doctor checked me again and said, "let's try to start pushing.." My mother came back to the room and abut 45 minutes later, my beautiful baby girl was pushed into the world. 5 minutes after that, Josh walked into the room with YE, and got to meet our amazing little girl. So did YE, although I don't think he had a clue what was going on.


I realize that unless you've gone through something like it yourself, it's not so easy to relate to, but I felt like I should put it out there. If only to remind myself from time to time of what an amazing experience it was. I should also add what my husband's memory of the experience was: " MAK goes to Hospital, and has a baby. The End"

Topics of Conversation (in a blog)

What to write? Yet another "Mommy blog", and be just one among thousands? Witty diatribes about politics and current events? As anyone who knows me in real life could tell you, I don't have a clue about either of those things. When I sit down and look at the empty page before me, my mind; which was roiling with thoughts just moments before, goes blank. As someone who now rarely gets time to just sit and type on the computer, each moment spent thinking of a subject is a moment gone, and does not bring me closer to actually typing anything out. Perhaps a monologue on the best recipes you can find online (here's a hint: Pinterest and Allrecipes.com). Maybe an essay about the pros and cons of living in an apartment versus a house, or renting versus buying? So many options to choose from, so little time. I love writing, and thinking of new things to take out of my mind and put down in words. I don't get to do that as near often as I'd like anymore, with other demands on my time, but perhaps another night I will sit down at the computer and type out a story, just to see where it takes us. Good night, until then.

Here come the Pesach Blues...

I do not look forward to cleaning for Pesach this year. Between dealing with a toddler in the Terrible two stage, who is likely to throw a tantrum at the slightest perceived offense, and handling an almost 2 month old who also has needs that have to be met, pesach cleaning will take at least twice as long as it needs to. Oh, and this year, since YE is now walking I have to be a lot more thorough in my cleaning because there are cookie crumbs EVERYWHERE...in the weirdest places too. (Excuse me while I unstick YE's car from a toy ramp for the thousandth time...)

Due Dates

Can't believe how fast the time has flown by! My due date is only 5 weeks away, and YE is now 21 months old! As I type this post I'm watching him and another neighbor's boy, though this child is about 9 months younger than YE. I watch them interact and wonder if that's how YE will interact with his new sibling? How will YE react to having a baby around 24/7 and Mommy having divide her attention? I sometimes wonder how ready I am for this, and then I remember...how ready was I when YE was born? Many people have done it, many people continue to do it, and it can be done.

I'm pregnant again :) Haven't really been telling people, even though I'm almost 5 months along. This time I haven't gained as much weight (eating a lot less than last time, then I had pigged out) and wearing much looser clothes, so it's not as obvious. For the past 2-3 nights I've been dreaming about babies. In one, I was going to the doctor to have my baby. But I had 2 babies in me, but one of them wasn't due for a few months after, so i would give birth to one now, and then one later. In the dream it made perfect sense; in reality...that's a different matter. The other dream I can recall, I was delivering babies. Not my own, other women's. I was a midwife or something and I literally had a line of women waiting for me to deliver their babies. And the babies came out all nice and clean and pink. No blood or anything. One of the boy babies started peeing everywhere as soon as it was born and I had to yell for a diaper. There was a third dream, but I can't recall it at the moment.
 Watching a neighbor's toddler right now, he's about a month younger than YE, but it's nice that they're so close in age and YE has someone to play with. Even if the other child does keep stealing YE's cookies. On another note, I can't believe YE is already a toddler, and he'll be 18 months in just 2 weeks. Time just flies by, doesn't it? As an example; we like to take him to B&N, and he loves to go to the children's section to play with the trains. As he was walking over there, he made a detour into one of the aisles, picked up a book that was on the floor and put it back on the shelf! It's so cute to see him do that!! He is also very into cars, trains, trucks, motorcycles...pretty much anything with wheels on it. He is SUCH a boy.
Okay, I think I've run out of things to say (for now). I'll post again, though I'm not sure when. Hopefully the posts will be closer together than they have been. Thanks for not giving up on me!

Getting back to Posting and what happened while I was away

OK, been a while since I've written here, so bear with me for a moment. I'm just a tad thrown by Google's new format for Blogger. I can't believe how much time has flown by. I graduated with a BA in psychology in December, and in February celebrated my baby's first birthday and my second anniversary. Now it's almost Purim and my husband's birthday (which falls on Purim this year) In the past few months I've gone to two of my brothers in law' weddings, and now have sisters in law, finally.My husband said I should start posting again, I completely agree, but I think doing it in the dark was not such a great idea on my part. And I don;t want to turn on the light and risk waking the baby.  That's enough for tonight I think, till next time!