Family

Perhaps I haven't been as clear as I should have. I love my brother, and I know that I have a much closer relationship with him than some girls do with thier brothers. I do tend to whinge and complain about his OCD and how it makes life difficult for me, but life is a whole bunch of tests and this is one that I have to go through. However, because I never complain about it out loud, except to my therapist, I need a place to let it out. As to him finding this blog....in all honesty, I really REALLY doubt it. He goes on fishing forums and gun forums. He does not look at other blogs, unless I showed it to him...which I would most likely never do. When I started this blog, my idea was to be able to use it as a journal for my feelings. I don't usually showcase my feelings here, but last night...actually that was as a remnder to me to talk to my therapist about it. She'll say what's been going on with your mother and stepfather. I'll go: I don't remember. I'm afraid I'm shutting it out on purpose, because it's unpleasant. My mother knows I have this blog, and she encourages me to write on it, so does my therapist. One of the reasons I want to go into therapy is help people like my brother. My brother is a good person, even if he goes through some rough times. But the only thing is, what you see on my blog is the rough stuff. He learns with a kid younger than him, he's taken several kids under his wing. I know of at least one boy who would very likely go off the derech if not for my brother. My brother has his own terrific mentors, who I admire and respect for helping him, even when he's going through his hardest time. So perhaps I shouldn't have posted what I did yesterday. I've taken it down, and thank you anonymous, I think I needed to post this.

My Brother's OCD

It's rather hard to explain, or understand OCD to someone who doesn't have it. There's no rationale behind it, except that there is something chemically wrong in the brain. The OCD person's thought process when they are doing their compulsive behavior is: "I have to do x, y, and z, or something bad will happen." With my brother, it's not as bad as some type of OCD. There's OCD where they feel compelled to check and recheck the locks on the door, or that the oven/ stove/ lights are off, and they will check a lot, around 20 - 50, whatever their "magic number" is. My brother's problem is that he views certain things, people and places as "contaminated." Meaning if he comes into contact with them, or goes someplace contaminated he has to shower or wash his hands afterwards. An example of things "contaminated"? The gunb range, kayaking, fishing, mountain bike riding....these are all things he LIKES. So imagine if you will, someone walking in our house, who he views as "contaminated", our house is not a contamintated place, and probably the least contaminated is his bed in his room. So....imagine someone comes in, and they accidentally sit in his chair, or touches something that he can't "de-contaminate," he flips. Absolutely flips. Part of our problem is that since we can't tell who is "conatminated" or not from his perspective, it makes it rather hard to have guests. There are other factors in my family not having guests, and another major factor is how busy my mother is with her work, she can't deal with guests, but I"YH, next year....Anyways, that is why we don't have guests on Pesach for the Seders at least. I'll hopefully have CJ over for lunch for one of the days though. She's not contaminated, before you ask.

Pesach

So this week, we're just starting to clean for pesach. Crazy, no? Well, considering that we won't be having any guests, or family (none of mine is religous), the cleaning and cooking can be done in one week. It'sjust a little bit more insane. At least there are no little children running around so there is no real chance of crumbs, or having kids stick chometz in the strangest places. (the air duct for example) THough I miss having guests, it's just not really been feasible these last few years, everyone's too busy, and then....there's my brother with his OCD. *sigh* Well, when I have my own home, I want to have guests often. Oh geez, I just realized I have my stats final on Pesach...or not....eep, right AFTER pesach. Oy. I can't wait till this semester is over. Just a month! Actually not even, more like 3 weeks! YAY!

Living with OCD

Have you ever been to a museum, where you can go in a wheelchair, and get a glimpse of what it's ike to be in a wheelchair everyday of your life? Then, you get up and go on your merry way. I wish there was a way to replicate for someone what it is like to live with OCD. Obssessive Compulsive Disorder. Not that I have it, though that's what the title may lead you to think, but my brother does. There are different kinds of OCD, where the person affected may feel the need to check, double check, triple check, that a door is locked, an oven is off, etc. Another type of OCD, the one my brother has, is he views certain things as being "contaminated" Certain people, generally those homeless, those are 'wrong' in some way, and....whoever he doesn't feel comfortable around. He also views places as being "contaminated", for example, whenever he goes out to school, to theme parks, and ESPECIALLY old places. I don't mean 50 years old, OI mean, like hundreds of years. The car, generally the back of the car, his fishing gear, my computer, the kitten, and the cat...all "contaminated." It's hard to be aroundsomeone who must compulsively wash, or shower, after doing something, going somewhere, touching something. And also insisting that family members wash as well, if they touch something "contaminated" It is incredibly frustrating, in a way that is impossible to convey. Though he has been much better these past couple of years, after he was first diagnosed, it was very hard for a while, and it's gone in swings for the most part ever since. It's hard to explain what it's like on a day to day basis, and I think I'll save that task for another time.