Choices

Choices. They are both exciting; opening up new opportunities, new vistas, and new options; and the bane of my existence. We live our lives every day with small choices. What will I have for breakfast? Will I get the laundry done now, or can it wait one more day? Is it worth the fight over this one small thing? 

Then there are the big choices. The ones that come along not as often. Looking for the right house to buy, or should we continue to rent? Should we continue living here, where we're comfortable or somewhere new? A new car, what kind fits our needs and which one of us will drive it? I love it , he hates it, maybe it costs too much money, maybe it's worth it. A hundred little decisions made into one big one. 

Even after the decision is made, we often look back and question, was it the right one? Maybe we shouldn't have sold the car. Maybe we shouldn't have moved to a condo. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

And maybe we should just move forward.

One year

 It's been one year.

One year since we moved from a house to our own apartment.

One year since a global pandemic started.

One year since my youngest was born.

One year since the world was turned on its head. 

And here we sit. One year later, and the world is still spinning.

 There is just not enough time in the day. It's just the truth. Not enough time for all the cleaning, all the teaching, all the errands, all little things that need to get done every day. So you break it down, try to get a little done every day. But because there is not enough time, and there is always plenty of chaos. It seems as if the world is spinning too fast, and it's just too overwhelming at times. So you tread water, just trying to breathe, trying to survive, and get through to the next day, to the next week.  But you take a deep breath, and keep pushing through. Because the little things make it worth it. The smiles, the "I love you"s, the successes, no matter how small. The waves may keep washing over you, but you push through. Life is worth it. Don't sweat the small stuff, when the big stuff is so much more important.

My birth story

 I have given birth to 5 babies. Each pregnancy is, of course, a different experience, but I think this one has all of my others beat. Not only was she born in the middle of lockdown during a pandemic, she was induced 3 weeks prior to her due date. My blood pressure had been slowly rising for the last 2 pregnancies, but this one was the worst.

 So at my 37 week appointment, the doctor turned to me and said "We are going to induce today." At the time I was completely freaked out, I had never had a baby that early and while I knew plenty of babies were born naturally that way and were fine, I was freaking out internally at the idea. It was not the induction I was worried about as much as the possibility of needing another c-section. Fortunately, my fears were completely unfounded on that front and I pushed out a beautiful baby girl. However, my rising blood pressure was still an issue. 3 days later, I was readmitted to the hospital with incredibly high blood pressure and a headache that even Tylenol 3 could barely touch.

In the ER with my brand new baby, they informed me I had developed Pre-eclampsia, and would need to be admitted for a day to administer magnesium. In order to administer the medication, I would need to be fully on bed rest, not even able to get out of bed to use the bathroom. I asked them what about my baby? Y'know my 3 day old breast fed newborn? At first, they wanted to have my mother take her home. I said what about establishing breast feeding? They said I could pump for her. I was in tears. Here I was being admitted to the hospital, just 3 days after having left, with a newborn, my hormones were an absolute mess and they wanted me to send my newborn away? My husband was also freaking out because there was no way he felt equipped to handle a new baby and our 4 other kids without my being there. Thank goodness, in the end they said if I had someone who could stay in the room with me and help take care of the baby, she could stay. So my mom, who had been hanging around outside the ER (pandemic precautions) was allowed to come in and help. 

Several hours later we were finally admitted to a room and was started on the magnesium. It was a very long, trying day. And in the afternoon, I had to go through almost the same song and dance again. We weren't sure if they were going to keep me another day, and they were very unhappy with the idea of breaking the rules and having my mom and baby there for another day. Happily, my blood pressure had recovered and in the end we were sent home with new blood pressure medication and a teal bracelet with the word "Pre-eclampsia" for the next 12 weeks. 

After this whole adventure, I looked into causes of Pre-E, and one of the main ones was obesity. Now, I had been obese and I realized that if I want to have any more kids without a repeat of this, I need to get serious and lose weight. Get to a healthy weight before getting pregnant again. So now I am on a weightloss journey. So far, I have lost almost 40 lbs, but have almost 25 left to lose. It is challenging, especially with the holidays and I am currently plateaued at the same 5 pounds for the past month, but I will persevere. I need to get to a healthier place. And with G-d's help, this time I will stay there.

 And then, she stepped off the cliff.

She fell, her hair flowing behind her, looking both elegant and fragile. 

When it looked almost too late, her wings snapped open and caught on a gust of air, she flew. 

She soared, letting the wind do most of the work, only flapping when necessary.

Closing her eyes, she listened to the wind as it roared past her ears, enjoying this brief respite. Before she had to land and return to reality. After all, this may be the last time she gets a break for a very long time.

Pandemic

 It's been almost a year since I first heard about this strange virus that was popping up all around a little place called Wuhan, China. In fact, the first that I heard of it was on reddit, and what I remember reading was that there was a doctor that China wanted to shut up that was trying to get out a warning about this virus. 

I'm a bit ashamed to admit it, but one of the first thoughts that crossed my mind was that I was glad that it was far away on the other side of the world. I had forgotten how small the world has become, and that just because it was far away from me, didn't mean it couldn't come here. The next time I heard about it was in January I think. We started to hear of a couple of cases, here and there in the country, and yet still, it didn't seem that close to home. It won't come here. I had somehow forgotten I live in one of the biggest tourist hot spots in the country. Of course it would come, it was only a matter of time. 

Come mid-March; shutdown. Life seemed to grind to almost a standstill. Though of course life never truly stands still, certainly not for long. In those 3 months I potty trained my 3, almost 4 year old, we moved to an apartment, and I had baby #5. 

Now, almost 7 months after shutdown began, I wear a mask to go out, feel guilty if I forget it, and try to not take my health for granted. I pray everyday to keep my family and friends safe from this plague and try not to live in fear, and live the life I am granted every day. What more can we ask for? You are never more aware of how precious life is, than when you know it can be snatched from you in a moment. 

Dreams

 We all have them, right? We might not remember them, but supposedly everyone has REM sleep. REM stands for Rapid Eye Movement. That is the stage of sleeping when dreaming happens. I tend to have very vivid, memorable dreams. That's been the case since I was a kid. I even used to keep a dream journal, but I don't really remember enough of my dreams to record them anymore. It's not that my dreams have gotten less vivid, it's more that everyday life tends to chase away the fog of sleep and the dreams that came with it. My 2 year old comes into my room almost every morning. "Mommy, eat!" she demands, tugging at my hand. In the face of that, who would remember such a fleeting thing as a dream? I kind of miss the times when I was able to recall my dreams at leisure. I know I had a good one the other night, that told a whole story. What was it about? No idea, since it flew away once my little one started making her demands. Fortunately, there is always another night, and maybe, another dream. Maybe the next one will stick and I'll get a chance to write it down. That would be nice. Good night, and may all your dreams, be happy ones.